Pillow Crest Church announces service improvements
There's an exciting new change that is coming to church services in our new 52.8 million dollar building. We are proud to announce that availability of dinner theater seating in our main sanctuary. "PCC is bringing the early church's tradition of eating together back. The conventional way of doing this has been the potluck, but our members are too busy to cook and potlucks tend to encroach upon valuable sports-watching time."

Alan Greenspan fails to see his shadow, declares recession to be imminent

Yeah! This website is officially banned in China . I think it has something to do with the copy below.

Falun Gong is a great religion.

Freedom, human rights and democracy are really cool, especially when good people come up for election.

Persecution Christians around Tiananmen Square is sucky.

Taiwan is a sovereign nation.

Eastern Ligtning is an exciting underground church movement (and would make a killer name for a type of moonshine).

Free Tibat.

Italian software company to unveil TurboBlaspheme
A Milan software startup wants to put the blast back into blasphemy. Have you ever wanted to make a blasphemous artistic statement but find yourself short on time and creative talent. Now, thanks to TurboBlashpheme, you can desecrate something with just a few clicks of the mouse. Choose from a variety of sacred paintings, artifacts and images of prominent church officials. The software renders 3D scenes of everything, giving you 100% control. Want to change the Sistine Chapel to show God giving Adam the middle finger? Just edit the position of his fingers. Our software allows you to position figures any way you want to and it comes with real-time bodily fluid dynamics, enabling you to take the debauchery into untold depths.

Oregon health insurers to offer morbidity-optional plans
Oregon’s health insurers are now offering plans that give patients the ability to play a more active role in the end-of-life care they receive. “We want to widen the spectrum of options for patients and loved ones.”, stated an insurance company spokeswomen. Critics of the new plans point out that these companies are trying to get out of footing the bill for astronomically expensive end-of-life care by putting euthanasia on the table as a viable option. They are also concerned about the new policies’ language which states that a lethal injection could be administered immediately following oral consent of a patient wishing to die.

A thousand words that will never be spoken
Our crack team of reporters has found that camera manufactures embed chips designed by lizard-shaped extra-terrestrials in every camera ever made. These chips automatically detect and blur footage of aliens and their ships. This is the reason photos of aliens always look like a piece of mud on the camera lens. The chips also seem to blur footage of Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster.

Zondervan to publish left-handed Bible
Emboldened by strong sales of its gender-neutral translations, the publisher is readying a version of the Bible devoid of anything that would offend our dexterously different companions. “We wanted to correct the anti-lefty bias which crops up several places in scripture”, stated a representative. Our translation of Ecclesiastes 10:2 reads, “A wise man's heart is at his preferential hand, but a fool's heart at his non-preferential one.” Gone are reference to the reprobate goats being set on Jesus’ left side, they are now set on his bad side. Translating the parts about Jesus sitting at the right hand of the father is going to be a lot of work but we believe it can be done.

Wal-Mart's Jerusalem expansion to face uphill battle
Emboldened by the success of its pyramid-side Teotihuacan supercenter, the Bentonville Arkansas company is planning on constructing a supercenter on Jerusalem's temple mount. Not everyone is happy with the plan. Members of three of the world's biggest religions have petitioned the retail giant to build elsewhere. Undaunted, Wal-Mart CEO Lee Scott intends to push ahead, "Remember what the uproar in fundamentalist circles over us giving a few thousand dollars to the gays did to our sales? It did nothing.". Angry citizens have little recourse as all governments this side of the axis of evil are pretty much corporate vassals. "We've seen Wal-Mart go ahead and build in the face of an angry backlash before so it wouldn't surprise us if the big box store goes up on the temple mount within the next six months.", stated a Wal-Mart Watch spokeswoman.

Earmark Reform Passes
A bill promising to restrict secret earmarks gets signed into law. Unfortunately, the bill had an earmark which stated that the law was only to take effect on days that didn't end in Y.

What the State of the Union address would have been
A draft of the State of the Union address had to be scrapped when Bush realized that he was facing a Democratic majority congress. We obtained this draft, highlights follow:

  • Balance the budget by putting all the debt on a 0% introductory APR credit card, and shifting the debt from card to card
  • Make catalytic converters an optional car accessory
  • Help stem the tide of skin cancer by removing pesky environmental regulations for polluters
  • Reform healthcare by sending all sick people to Canada
  • Force all new skyscrapers less than 20 feet above sea level to be engineered so that their first floor could tolerate being underwater
  • Freeze every working class American and dump them into erupting volcanos

Westboro Baptist Church angers nation with "Thank God for Monday" campaign
First it was protesting at abortion clinics, then it was the God Hates Fags website, and recently it's been the picketing of fallen soldier's funerals with those "Thank God your kid died" signs. You thought this was bad, but now their leader, Fred Phelps, wants to turn the diabolicalness up a notch. As you read this, he is assembling volunteers to picket workplaces across the nation with signs that say things like, "Thank God for Monday", and "Work Keeps Souls from Sin".

Guy proposes to his girlfriend via Wikipedia
Chet and his girlfriend Marissa went to different colleges so it was only natural for them to be IM'ing each other late into the night. "One evening Chet and I were chatting about the instability of the dollar and he sent me a link to the Iranian Oil Bourse Wikipedia entry. The entry greeted me with, 'Marissa, will you marry me? - Chet []'. I immediately edited the entry, adding a to the line below his, 'YES! - Marissa []'. As you can imagine we are using pbwiki to coordinate the whole wedding thing."

Daemons complaining that new antipsychnotic drugs are keeping mentally ill people from seeing them

New study shows answered prayer correlating positively with amount of bathroom counter space

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