Pillow Crest Church announces service improvements
There's an exciting new change that is coming to church services
in our new 52.8 million dollar building. We are proud to announce
that availability of dinner theater seating in our main sanctuary.
"PCC is bringing the early church's tradition of eating together
back. The conventional way of doing this has been the potluck, but
our members are too busy to cook and potlucks tend to encroach upon
valuable sports-watching time."
Alan Greenspan fails to see his shadow, declares recession to
Yeah! This website is officially banned
in China . I think it has something to do with the copy below.
Falun Gong is a great religion.
Freedom, human rights and democracy are really cool, especially
when good people come up for election.
Persecution Christians around Tiananmen Square is sucky.
Taiwan is a sovereign nation.
Eastern Ligtning is an exciting underground church movement (and
would make a killer name for a type of moonshine).
Italian software company to unveil TurboBlaspheme
A Milan software startup wants to put the blast back into blasphemy.
Have you ever wanted to make a blasphemous artistic statement but
find yourself short on time and creative talent. Now, thanks to
TurboBlashpheme, you can desecrate something with just a few clicks
of the mouse. Choose from a variety of sacred paintings, artifacts
and images of prominent church officials. The software renders 3D
scenes of everything, giving you 100% control. Want to change the
Sistine Chapel to show God giving Adam the middle finger? Just edit
the position of his fingers. Our software allows you to position
figures any way you want to and it comes with real-time bodily fluid
dynamics, enabling you to take the debauchery into untold depths.
Oregon health insurers to offer morbidity-optional plans
Oregons health insurers are now offering plans that give patients
the ability to play a more active role in the end-of-life care they
receive. We want to widen the spectrum of options for patients
and loved ones., stated an insurance company spokeswomen.
Critics of the new plans point out that these companies are trying
to get out of footing the bill for astronomically expensive end-of-life
care by putting euthanasia on the table as a viable option. They
are also concerned about the new policies language which states
that a lethal injection could be administered immediately following
oral consent of a patient wishing to die.
A thousand words that will never be spoken
Our crack team of reporters has found that camera manufactures embed
chips designed by lizard-shaped extra-terrestrials in every camera
ever made. These chips automatically detect and blur footage of
aliens and their ships. This is the reason photos of aliens always
look like a piece of mud on the camera lens. The chips also seem
to blur footage of Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster.
Zondervan to publish left-handed Bible
Emboldened by strong sales of its gender-neutral translations, the
publisher is readying a version of the Bible devoid of anything
that would offend our dexterously different companions. We
wanted to correct the anti-lefty bias which crops up several places
in scripture, stated a representative. Our translation of
Ecclesiastes 10:2 reads, A wise man's heart is at his preferential
hand, but a fool's heart at his non-preferential one. Gone
are reference to the reprobate goats being set on Jesus left
side, they are now set on his bad side. Translating the parts about
Jesus sitting at the right hand of the father is going to be a lot
of work but we believe it can be done.
Wal-Mart's Jerusalem expansion to face uphill battle
Emboldened by the success of its pyramid-side Teotihuacan supercenter,
the Bentonville Arkansas company is planning on constructing a supercenter
on Jerusalem's temple mount. Not everyone is happy with the plan.
Members of three of the world's biggest religions have petitioned
the retail giant to build elsewhere. Undaunted, Wal-Mart CEO Lee
Scott intends to push ahead, "Remember what the uproar in fundamentalist
circles over us giving a few thousand dollars to the gays did to
our sales? It did nothing.". Angry citizens have little recourse
as all governments this side of the axis of evil are pretty much
corporate vassals. "We've seen Wal-Mart go ahead and build
in the face of an angry backlash before so it wouldn't surprise
us if the big box store goes up on the temple mount within the next
six months.", stated a Wal-Mart Watch spokeswoman.
Earmark Reform Passes
A bill promising to restrict secret earmarks gets signed into law.
Unfortunately, the bill had an earmark which stated that the law
was only to take effect on days that didn't end in Y.
What the State of the Union address would have been
A draft of the State of the Union address had to be scrapped when
Bush realized that he was facing a Democratic majority congress.
We obtained this draft, highlights follow:
- Balance the budget by putting all the debt on a 0% introductory
APR credit card, and shifting the debt from card to card
- Make catalytic converters an optional car accessory
- Help stem the tide of skin cancer by removing pesky environmental
regulations for polluters
- Reform healthcare by sending all sick people to Canada
- Force all new skyscrapers less than 20 feet above sea level
to be engineered so that their first floor could tolerate being
- Freeze every working class American and dump them into erupting
Westboro Baptist Church angers nation with "Thank God for
First it was protesting at abortion clinics, then it was the God
Hates Fags website, and recently it's been the picketing of fallen
soldier's funerals with those "Thank God your kid died"
signs. You thought this was bad, but now their leader, Fred Phelps,
wants to turn the diabolicalness up a notch. As you read this, he
is assembling volunteers to picket workplaces across the nation
with signs that say things like, "Thank God for Monday",
and "Work Keeps Souls from Sin".
Guy proposes to his girlfriend via Wikipedia
Chet and his girlfriend Marissa went to different colleges so it
was only natural for them to be IM'ing each other late into the
night. "One evening Chet and I were chatting about the instability
of the dollar and he sent me a link to the Iranian Oil Bourse Wikipedia
entry. The entry greeted me with, 'Marissa, will you marry me? -
Chet [22.214.171.124]'. I immediately edited the entry, adding a to
the line below his, 'YES! - Marissa [126.96.36.199]'. As you can
imagine we are using pbwiki to coordinate the whole wedding thing."
Daemons complaining that new antipsychnotic drugs are keeping
mentally ill people from seeing them
New study shows answered prayer correlating positively with
amount of bathroom counter space
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