CPE in negotiation with mad genius hatter
In an attempt to outhat a rival religion, CPE has contracted Whelp Gresher
to design our pontiff a state-of-the-art really tall hat complete with
three gyroscopes to keep it from falling off. Unfortunately this hat can
only be worn outside and inside places with 20 foot ceilings.
pastor denounces metaprayer
McMegachurch pastor William Blathermire has come out against CPE for its
practice of praying for prayer. While billions of the world's religious
faithful pray for people and things, CPE members cultivate the habit of
praying for the effectiveness prayer (for a job-well-done feeling for
the person sending up the prayer as well as a speedy answer). Blathermire
believes that praying for prayer shows a lack of faith; according to scripture
these prayers will be nullified along with, possibly, all other prayers
the metaprayer warier prayed that day.
CPE pontiff to bless KFC fish snacker sandwich
Kurt Cobain once said, "It's OK to eat fish because they don't have
any feeling". That was good enough for us, though we would double-bless
a Sea Squirt sandwich.
Prominent blogger runs his electronic mouth
A blogger believes our religion is one of the worst ones he's seen so
far. Quoting, "Desire for the placebo effect is a Catch-22, it's
like guzzling gallons of ocean water. Your system is designed for hope,
but you can short it out by harboring a deep, persistent desire for hope's
trappings. Hunger and thirst for the placebo effect does more damage to
the soul than drugs and alcohol. A substance abuser's soul may still thirst
for the real thing, by way of a substance-induced shortcut. But once you
find yourself on the wrong side of the desire for the real thing/placebo
effect trapdoor, it's all over."
Hope no longer springing eternal
Prominent scientists have confirmed Pope's assertion on the nature of
hope. Unfortunately, today's conditions cause the hope seeping out of
the ground to immediately escape into the atmosphere as water vapor (like
on Mars or Europa). "Hope isn't some abstract concept like the ether
or the celestial spheres. It is something that has to be attached to things.
There is no community anymore, no social contract, no fidelity, only products
and marketing. Most of the religions thought that the way to adapt to
this new world was overpromising but all that did was turn thinking people
away from the faith."