Look It Up

An attempt to explain some Christian jargon.

Bible - a book that is 100% true because it says so

Community - a bunch of individuals in the same place at the same time on a Sunday morning

Correlation - causation

evangelical - people who have a personal relationship with God. He even tells some of them how to rearrange their furniture

Faith - 1. expectation tempered with an indefinite amount of unbelief   2. adherence to doctrine

Forgiveness - capitulation

Grace - a word that is usually used as filler when one can't think of anything more specific

God - that guy in the sky you shouldn't look at the wrong way

Love - a word that means just as little in the Christian world as it does in the secular world

Salvation - something you receive when your conception of God perfectly matches the conception of God of whatever church you happen to attend

Repentance - what you do when it's already too late

Sin - anything that brings about disapproval from Christian peers

Myths about atheists

Atheists are angry, bitter, and vindictive
True: Don't you dare shove all atheists in a little conceptual box like this! A good portion of you Americans think you're better than us because of your casual religiosity (saying God every once in awhile without the succeeding damn). Well you suck. Grow some balls and either get serious about a religion or become one of us. You're lucky enough to sit on the fence now but it won't always be this way.

99% of the prison population identify themselves as atheists
False: That estimate is on the low end. It's more like 99.99%. Everyone who doesn't believe in God takes the law into his or her own hands. That's why we have police in the first place. If everybody was religious, we wouldn't need police or the army for that matter.

A force field of darkness tends to emanate from atheists
True: You can tell someone's an atheist just by getting within five feet of them. You don't even have to look into their eyes, you'll just feel something. A darkness, an emptiness, something no scientific instrument could ever measure

Touching an atheist will give you an 440 volt electric shock, but poking them with a stick is safe
False: The kind of electricity atheists are charged with passes through sticks, so you'll get quite a jolt poking us with one. On the positive side, we can plug ourselves into the wall and send power back into the electrical grid, saving the environment and a few bucks off our utility bill.

All atheists are for stem cell research
False: Many atheists are dead against stem cell research because of what it does to fetuses. We have our own secret chain of restaurants where fetuses are friend and eaten. We are opposed to any research that diverts the supply of this yummy delicacy elsewhere.